Salmonella Diet

Well my new diet is working out well. I'm down 5 pounds. I'm going to try to market this idea on EBay. My problem is--how do I sell the idea without saying what I'm selling thereby giving away the idea so that people don't have to buy it? Perhaps, I should call it the "Dodgy Chinese Food Diet" or maybe if I were to call it the "Citronella Diet" and only tell the secret to those with cash? It think my idea's going to take off. There'll be Salmonella parties that will be bigger than Botox parties and no problems with dirty needles. After I make it big, I'll want to diversify with tapeworm feasts, and ptomaine salad buffets.

It's all about good marketing and synergies of products. Maybe I can create some good combos: Salmonella toothpaste with tossed ptomaine salad with chicken lightly seasoned with tapeworms. It'll covers all your bases. I'm going to set sail for EBay.

Back to the "new" normal

A dogless existence has taught me to stop playing fetch. After the first hour, I started to realize that the stick just wasn't coming back. I no longer have the luxury of sitting back and watching my dog eat the pests that intrude on my garden: squirrels, rabbits, possum, neighbors,... I had to buy a product that came to me lauded with praises like, "it's better than electrified barbed-wire", or "damn, it's so good it's better than having a slaughter house web cam." I've heard praises like this before but when I heard the brand name I knew it had to be worth the money. The company simply calls it "off". It's kind of ominous. What does it mean? Is it "fork off", "shove off", "piss off", "stay off", "get off", "push off", "off off", "toss off", "on/off", "lay off", "sort off", "stain off", ... It seems like there are endless possibilities. Maybe that's how it works. While you're trying to figure what the name means it creeps up on you and...WHAMO. I haven't been able to take my eyes off my garden since the purchase.

Whoa there...

I've been meaing to blog but things got a little out of control with the lax oil so I decided to up the ante and go whole hog into crystal meth...or perhaps I should say crystal myth. As it turns out, I tried the cough syrup + battery acid + draino + iodine etc concoction. Perhaps I didn't read the instructions carefully enough but I'll tell you, not only did the mess not look like the pretty crystals (as I expected) but more like a black mass. I'm currently trying to sell my batch on EBay and I'm calling it "crystal death" because of the recent unfortunate circumstances with our late dog. I believe Sheba had a great time before she did 29 back flips and then jumped off the balcony. Instead of landing on her feet, she landed on an elderly couple. She will be missed. The police are still looking for the owners of the dog but from my point of view it was an act of god. Those old folks didn't have long to live anyway. I'm glad I never got around to buying one of those nice tags with our address. I should have listened to my friend Brad B. Quaker when he told me that I should stick to natural things. But then again poor Brad has recently been kicked out of his commune because of his repeated offences with cattle. Brad doesn't know everything. I tried to find Brad in his backyard to get some help with the natural approach but the place was completely overgrown.